so many questions.....

The title of this picture? Motherhood.
I had to share....because motherhood is the single most important thing I will ever experience, and I want to give it my all. Which leads me to talk a little about what's next in our lives- now that my teaching job is coming to an end.

I have had a lot of people ask me the same questions over the last few weeks about the next phase in our lives. Most of the people asking me are asking for small talk purposes, but some people are really curious, and/or really care. So here is my Q and A. If your curious....

Q: Where are you going to live?
A: As of today we are planning to stay in our current home. We got so unlucky (along with everyone else who has bought a home in the last 10 years) with the market and our home values. We bought both of our homes in the same market, and now they are both worth way less than we owe. Selling either house is not an option unless we give it back to the bank. Eric and I have managed (by the grace of God alone) to maintain great credit, so that's not an option. To me, that's what you do when you lose your job and drain all of your assests.....not what you do when your mad at the economy. But believe me, I have been tempted. Our neighbors choice to let go of their houses out of anger, and not because of a job loss, is why we can't sell ours.

We have great renters in our DR home, and until they tell us they are leaving...they will continue to be our renters. When they leave, we will find new renters. Our home will not rent for our mortgage cost so we are here for the long haul. After we looked over our bugdet we do not feel that staying in our house will be a big stresser financially. Eric is doing well (again, by the grace of God), and we have faith that he will contiune to thrive where he is. He is not really wanting to leave the business because he has done it for so long and knows it so well. He's been tempted to go find a job in the coorprate food sales industry, but we think that right now is just not the time with my job change. We will have to make cut backs in certain areas of our lives so I can make this change, but it will be worth it.

Q:What are you going to do? Are you staying at home next year? Are you going to start a photography business?
A: When I originally decided to stop teaching full time, my plan was to dive into starting a small business taking pictures. That has changed. Kind of. As of right this minute, my plan is to substitute teach at our local schools Monday-Thursday, and stay at home on Fridays. This would give me a day to get the laundry done, grocery shop, clean the house, run errands, and pay bills so that I can really enjoy the weekends with my family.

About Photography: Not long ago I dreamed of owning my own photography business. And however possible that is, it isn't all that likely to happen over night. I do plan to grow in the area of photography, and I do hope to take pictures for friends and family on the side starting this summer, but I do not have the guts to take out the money it would need to start a business right now. We need all the back up we can get to supplement my income loss. My eye belongs behind a camera. It has since I was 20. But it's going to be gradual, and there will have to be miracles along the way to make it happen financially. I by no means have the necessary equipment to run a business, I refuse to allow myself to buy the lenses and lighting I need until our debt it paid off, so like I said.....miracles. It's going to take one to let this little dream out of their little box.

I also respect the real photographers/artists of the world too much to ever call myself one....even if I start a Feauxtography side business. and I am making good money doing it. I am humble enough to know what it takes get be a real one, and just because I have an eye for it, and understand editing on a basic level, and own a good camera, does not make me a photographer. On the other hand....if I CAN make money doing it, I will. But I do not put myself in the category of "photographer"...... atleast not until I earn that title. Photographers are real artists who spend years in school learning more than Photoshop CS, and how to shoot manually. It's an art. And I have not even begun to master it. My eye, however, is a gift that I will freely take, and I will at the very least attempt to use that gift to the best of my abilities. There are so many things I'd like to be when I grow up, and a "picture taker" is one of them. A really great mom is my main goal here though.

Are the kids going to be able to go to the same schools they are currently in with your RG house being out of district?
Yes, but I will have to drive them. We will leave it at that. It's complicated.

How does it feel to know you are not going back to teaching? Aren't you SO excited? (I get this one daily at school)
Actually no. I am not SO excited to give up (even if it is temporary) my career that I have worked for for the last 10 years, and jump off the ledge into the unknown and insecure. There are so many things that I will miss about teaching. The kids, the women I have grown to love that I work with, the hysterical things the kids say, the constant love they shower you with, the feeling of accomplishment to be doing something so impactful everyday, the feeling of contributing financially and helping take the load off of Eric, the steady paycheck, the moms of my students I get to know and grow to love, ect.

But there are also many things that I will NOT miss. Like faculty meetings, 10 hour work days, endless paperwork, the feeling of failing to be exactly what every child needs me to be every single day- cuz that's impossible. I also won't miss the stress of knowing that my job needs to be done well, and knowing what that is going to cost my family to do that, and I won't miss the guilt that I feel every time one of my kids is sick and I have to work because I am too scared to ask off-because teaching jobs are few and I don't want to get fired next year.

Honestly it has not hit me that I am really quitting teaching. I have it in my head that I will go back someday because #1: That's probobly true, and #2: It helps me with the emotional side of quitting something. I am not good at quitting. I am not good at letting go when my heart is involved. But who is?

I could write a book about what is going through my heart and my head right now. I realize that I have a tendancy to over complicate things inside my complicated mind, so I keep repeating truths to myself to "check" my fears and anxietys......Like, "Suzy- this is NOT a big deal. People change jobs and quit their jobs all the time. Plenty opf moms don;t work. Plenty of people live off of one salary. You will be making money- just not as much. You are doing this to better yourself and your family. This is God driven and you know He has blessed this decision. It's going to be fine. Who really cares? You are one little tiny person on this earth, and this big life is not about you and your stupid job situation......there are much bigger things to center your focus on, and you won't even remember this as being anything big in 30 years. Blah Blah Blah..........

So far these thoughts are working for me......cuz THESE terrible thoughts (below) have a tendancy to creep up in unexpected moments and paralyze me with fear.

They sound like THIS: What are you thinking Suzy? Do you know how lucky you are to have a job as a teacher right now? You will not be able to come back if you change your mind. What if Eric loses his job? What if the renters leave and we have no renters? What if you mess everyone's lives in the process of TRYING to better them? That WOULD be something that you would do Suzy.....you have a habit of messing things up. Plenty of children have working parents. Plenty of 7 year olds sit in ASP everyday and they are FINE. You own TWO Houses! Are you trying to kill Eric with stress? You are still in debt.....what makes you think you can just QUIT your JOB? You are being selfish. Your kids are fine. You are a perfectionsist and you need to stop obsessing over being a great mother. Show your kids what it is like to do it all with a smile on your face. Stop being weak. Look at your sister? She works twice as much as you and she never complains! You are not thinking clearly. What if what if what if???????????

I'm not kidding. These thoughts have nearly suffocated me lately. But then I hear this voice. It sounds like me, bu it's not my thoughts, or my words.....and it sounds calm and sweet and soft. And it speaks to my heart, and it says...... I've got you. I did this. I asked this of you. Trust me. Have faith in me. This was always the plan. Your were not made for this lifestyle, it isn't for you. I gave you my word. I am trustworthy. I will honor you. Look back on your life. Have I ever failed you? Haven't you always looked back on uncertain times with great joy because I saved you? I made everything and everyone. Nothing is too small for me. I gave you Kaitlin and Jack as a gift. Now take care of them as if they are me. You have made the right choice. Now rest.

I hope I answered your questions. I feel greatful to have a small group of people that genuinely love me and my family. So thank you for caring, asking, and praying for us.

In the mean time I will hang on to this........"I can do all things through Christ who stregnthens me." Phil 4:13