suzy: Change: A Novel

(Eric: I am typing fast, and short on time, so please disregard my spelling errors.)

Chapter 1: I'm All Done

This is a great description of our busy month, better yet, what our lives have become. And that is the theme of our February.....I call this month "I'm All Done."(I do have a few really fun events to share, but I will get to that later.)

As I walked around my home one lovely Saturday morning in the beginning of February, this is what I saw. And this is what I always see on Saturday mornings when I wake up to start the all day cleaning process from the hurricane that hits our home Monday-Friday of every week. The hurricane called Our Lives.

I wake up at 5, and I get home at 5, and I am so tired from teaching 23 five-six year olds, attending meetings, putting out fires, planning activities, returning emails, and dealing with the normal every second conflict that exists in the classroom setting, that I have not one ounce of energy to do anything but sit on a couch and drool on myself. Sometimes I find myself staring at the ceiling, replaying in my fried mind what just happened in the last 12 hours, and I say to myself....."Really? That all just happened in one day? No wonder I am so tried."

I give my kids 30 minutes to unwind so I can drool on my shirt a little, and then it's homework time. Oh God. No. Not homework. Well, first there is the 20 minute argument that occurs each day as I break the totally brand new news to Jack that yes, we do have to do homework. Again. I then say a little prayer and let the grueling process begin.

An hour later we finally finish. Eric figures out what is for dinner, orders it and picks it up, or cooks it, while I start the search through the kids school folders and get organized for the next day of school. Then it's off the monitor their shower time and bed time, which usually takes an hour or so. Polish it off by reading a book to Jack, and saying prayers with the kids and the day is done.

It is at this time when Eric and I are supposed to spend some time together. Alone. But that usually gets interrupted by an issue, or two, or three with one of the kids. I am so tired at this point that I am slurring my speech and making no sense. I am irrational, emotional, and defensive, and everything sounds like a guilt trip to me. I just want to SLEEP. It's all I can think about. I have nothing to offer, nothing to give, nothing to say. I just want to SLEEP. And this sweet, sweet man, that I get to call mine.... just wants to hang out and catch up, snuggle, and be a couple......but like I said, I NEED to SLEEP.

And this is why my house looks like this by Saturday. I left out the basketball practice, cheer practice, boy scout den meetings, grocery trips, and many other last minute things that come up in the lives of families. And the crazy thing is....I LOVE being a mom. I LOVE life. I LOVE my husband, and my children bring me an indescribable amount of joy. But this isn't fun.

This is the story of every full time working mother. And I hate it. It's not for me. And I'm all done. It's time for change. I, that Suzy Studdard Stark person, and slowly dying. I am not longer a person, but a machine that functions on full speed-half brain-what can I do for you- mode. And I recently had an epiphony. We don't HAVE to live this way. We have choices. We are SO BLESSED to have choices. And what are we doing with all of this BLESSING? We aren't doing anything with it. We are messing up our blessings. We are flushing our blessing down the toilets we happiness and missing the blessing. And we are choosing THIS for really stupid and unfullfilling reasons. I feel honored that I get a shot at this kind of life, but so far, I don't feel like I am doing a very good job at muliplying these blessings and BEING a blessing. So.many.people. have no choices in life. They are stuck. They are starving. They are dying. They have real problems. We are blessed. But all I feel is exhaustion and failure.

The above photo is my favorite Hurricane Our Lives photo. It says so much. When you are so tired that you can't find the energy to walk a stale piece of french toast downstairs to the dishwasher, there's a problem. I am ashamed to say that this piece of french toast stayed in this location for 2 days. And don't even ask why it was ever in the bathroom. I have no idea. I can't remember. I'm too tired to remember stuff.

Now the reason I have allowed this lifestyle to go on for so long is very simple. I see hundreds of thousands of women all over the world, doing exactly what I am doing every day, and doing it well. They are managing. They are enjoying it. They are happy (or so it seems). So it led me to wonder.....what is wrong with ME? This must be a ME issue. Why am I working so hard trying to make everyone so happy, yet failing so miserably? What am I so tired all the time when they all look so perky? Why are they all getting Master's degrees, and I am getting the 3rd degree by some of the most important people in my life because I am falling short of their expectations of me? Is this it? Is this what my life was meant to be? If so, why isn't it working? Why do I feel like such a failure at everything? Why do I feel so spiritually full, yet I am unable to take that fullness into my worldly life?

So I prayed. I vented. I cried. I pleaded, I begged. And He listened. And I realized something I had been trying to ignore and deny for quite some time. I wasn't made for this. The life in which I am currently living does not reflect who I am, well, for the most part. So I had to re-evaluate. And so I did.

I spent several days in constant prayer. I needed to disappear from reality. I needed to really stop and think about what I want, who I am, and how I am going to get there. I realized that if I didn't do it right then and there, I may let even more time pass, and end up one of those women who totally loses herself to the demands of others. I do realize that life is not all about me, but I also realize that if I don't take care of me, I can't take care of anyone else. This kind of unhappiness, I call it situational unhappiness, can result in physical illness, and can only be fixed by changing the situation. Somewhere along the lines, I've lost me. So many of us do. This is the downfall of women. We want to be it all, do it all, serve them all, please them all, and we beat ourselves up when can't. I believe I have written about this before. And just because I realize this doesn't mean the struggle is gone. I realized this a long time ago, yet have done very little to change the way I beat myself up about it. It's the life long struggle of most women, and I am quite certain I will have to battle these failure thoughts my whole life. Only now I know how to do it. And I am more determinded than ever.

Chapter 2: It's Time for Change

I quickly discovered in my prayerful journey to fix Hurricane: Our Lives, that teaching public school is not my calling. I love teaching, and I feel I am a good one, but right now I am thriving in the learning department. So I decided after talking to Eric, that I was going to take some time off from the role of teacher. I immediately felt a massive weight being lifed from my shoulders upon making that decision.

Now I had to come up with a plan, to dig deep in hopes of finding out what I really want to do. So I asked myself a few questions, and I gave myself the answers, and I discovered that things that I really love. And I let myself love them. I let myself have desires. And for the first time in a long time, I didn't feel guilty for having desires, I felt like me.

And here's what I discovered.

I love being a mother. I love being married (most of the time). I love writing. I love reading. I love taking pictures. I love editing pictures and being creative. I love thinking. I love learning. And I love people (most of the time). And guess what else I learned about myself? I am really GOOD at writing, and taking pictures, and editing them, and learning.....and it is not a crime to admit that I am good at something! WOW. Now that is a new concept to me. Admitting that I am good at something and saying it out loud....that's new. But I am doing it.

So here's my tentative plan. I need to work and help Eric support our family, but I've realized I can't work full time. After this school year is over, Eric and I will most likely move back into our other home, our smaller home, to give ourselves the breathing room financially during this transition. We will pray for renters for our current home, and Hope He delivers. In my down time this summer (if I have any), I will start putting together a small photography business. I have BIG dreams about where this business will go, but I am starting off small. I have some equipment to buy, a website to build, and some workshops to attend, but it's all going to be gradual. I really want to focus mainly on being there for my family and prayerfully walking my family through some lifestyle changes. If I have to substitue teach in the process of building a business, I will gladly do that for a more stable income. But my heart has recently realized my passion is for pictures, so I am going with it.

I love the idea of starting a small business and watching it grow. I love the idea of making my own hours, and being my own boss. I love the idea of being challenged creatively, but still having brain cells left for my family. I love the idea of making in 4-one hour sessions, what I would normally make in a 50 hour work week. I love the idea of taking pictures of fresh newborns, and staring at their perfection on my computer screen all week. But most of all, I love the idea that I get to be an active mom in my children's lives. I'm thinking feild trips, volunteering at their school, free weekends, and a happy me! I know, I am not taking the challenges and hardship into consideration with all these "ideas", but give me some time to dream, alright?

So that's that. You know me. I can't just say..."Hey- I'm not going to teach anymore", and be satisfied. I have to give you the long version. The heart explanation, because that is who I am. Plus, I love to write. This made me very happy. :)

I promised some light hearted good stuff in this post, so I will deliver.

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One of the highlights of my month? Baby Day's 2nd birthday. I LOVE this shot. She loves her cousin so much. They are a pair.

She also loves the boots her Cackie got her.

And her purse, and her mommy, and pretty much everyone but me. She even loves Eric. Ivey says I try to hard. Next time we go visit I am going to totally ignore her. Then maybe she will learn to love me. I just love her so much. It's hard not to love her. She's adorable.

This one melts me.

Drama.

This is Eli. Or Oscar. Still confused about that one. He's a cute kid though. So is his brother. I love seeing Jason as a dad. He's a good one.

Ivey is Martha Stewart when it comes to party planning. She ordered these paint kits that brought back memories of my childhood. They have paint dots on them so all you do is dip your brush in water and spread the water over the paper. It's clean and effortless and somehow inspired me to break out my camera.

We also got to celebrate Kaitlin's 12th birthday....hotel style! It was the most fun party she's had, for me at least. The group of girls she invited are polite, funny, and easy going. The night was seemless. Beth came and kept me company. She broughts crafts, which according to the girls, was their favorite part of the evening. I am not a good party planner. My sister and Ivey blow me away with their party planning skills. It's not my stregnth. I'm always gald for any kind of assistance in this area. Thanks Beth for your help and company. And thank you Kaitlin for being awesome.