Flashback Friday

Kaitlin's first bath (she was 2 days old)

March 1, 1999

In light of Mother's Day I had to post this picture of when I first became a mother. It's strange to look back on pictures of Kaitlin's babyhood and see myself in the role of motherhood at such a young age. Technically, 20 is not young by human standards, but it felt very young by society's standards. I feel like I am 20 years older than that person. The beautiful thing is that regardless of my youth and lack of awareness of the enormity of the job of being a mother, I knew one thing for sure when I fist saw that precious little girl. My life-and most importantly my heart- would never be the same.

From the very first moment I saw her face I was so in love with her that I could harldy let myself feel it. I took me a while to really let myself feel it. I was so afraid of the feelings I felt for her. I know now that I was just not mature enough to handle those feelings at first. But in a very short time I came to realize that I would never love anyone else the way I love her (and all future children). As soon as she was born all of my fears went away and I could not imagine my life without her. I knew I had to raise her and protect her and teach her everything I knew. But what did I know? I was 20! I knew we were just going to have to grow up together.

I remember staying up loooong nights nursing her all night and crying my eyes out in my room. It wasn't a sad cry...it was an exhausted, head over heels in love, oh my God I am a mother, cry. I loved her so much that the jealousy I had for my friends and their freedom had vanished and I felt so sorry for them because I had this beautiful baby girl and they didn't know the love I knew. I no longer cared about what I was missing out on...I would smile and thank God because I got to spend those days with this little tiny person that I loved so much and they spent their days with hangovers.

Ooooh I could write a book about being a young mother, I really could. For now I will just say that sweet little girl has taught me more about God and love than anyone else....without even knowing it. We have raised each other, with the help of several other phenominal women. I am so thankful for my kids and so blessed to be a mother, no matter how exhausting it is at times.

I often wonder...what do people do that don't have kids?

All I know is I am so glad that I am a mother. Being a mother teachers you the true meaning of sacrafice, selflessness, acceptance, forgiveness, understanding, patience, and love. It's a blessing beyond words. No one can prepare you for the how much being a mother will change you. You can see it on every new mother's face. There is something different....something really beautiful.

Happy Mother's Day!